![]() We have grown stronger as a couple – as not having sex has enabled us to focus on each other in an intellectually and emotionally intimate way which had been pushed aside before. The decision we made two years ago has been profoundly good. It may seem strange to stop having sex if we technically already ‘had sex before marriage’ but we decided that sex had become a distraction and an addiction. This, combined with my interest in Christianity led us to decide to stop having sex altogether. Unlike me, he’d grown up in a Christian household, but wasn’t a practising Christian until this experience left him convinced that God wanted him to practise the Christian faith. Losing our virginity together made sex a big part of our relationship, until six months in when my boyfriend had a miraculous experience with God. “My boyfriend and I have been together since we were 17-years-old and this is our first long-term relationship, we are also each other’s first. But that’s okay because I’m finally able to ask for what I want and that is something I’ll carry with me, whatever happens next.” My confidence has grown in and out of the bedroom but despite our similar upbringings in white, middle class homes, we have little in common and realise that this isn’t forever. We’ve been in an open relationship now for five months and I’m still surprised by how much I’ve actually benefited from being in a relationship where sex and BDSM has played such an important role. That’s how I met my current partner, who gifted me a sex toy instead of flowers on our first date. But when I found myself living alone during lockdown and feeling after more dating disappointments, it dawned on me that cultivating a relationship during a pandemic, while not impossible, would be difficult, and perhaps exploring BDSM instead – something I’d been curious about – could equally be fulfilling. Crippling self-esteem issues, hook-up culture and the hollow thrill of night life only exacerbated the issue. ![]() “I’ve spent my 20s dating men who didn’t want relationships, basically trying to force square pegs into round holes for fear of being alone. But the more regular sex we have the more we’ve been able to get back the light, fun and flirty part of our relationship that we both enjoy.” That sometimes means spending time alone, or with friends, and even doing less around the house. That’s when I realised how important sex really is in our relationship for both of us, but I knew that to get what we had back, I had to get back to myself and make myself a priority. My husband never broached the topic or pressured me but slowly the day-to-day physical affection that I loved left our relationship too and with it the fun light flirty side of our marriage. The spark between us had been well and truly doused and it was like living with a best friend. So, we went from being intimate with each other every couple of days to around twice a month and our relationship drastically changed. As I started to lose sight of myself and feel uncomfortable with my appearance, the thought of being physical with my husband filled me with dread. Eating well, exercising, getting enough sleep, and socialising went out the window. As I tried to juggle being back at my high-pressured role at a hedge fund with being a new mum, and spouse – which for me includes a certain amount of societal pressure to be the perfect Middle Eastern wife – I soon found that being a caretaker for everyone else meant I came last on my list of priorities. Like most mothers, life got a little overwhelming. “I never realised how important sex was in my marriage until after having my first child two years ago. I know it can’t carry on this way, but there is going to have to be some major changes on his part before sex becomes important to me in the way that it once was. If I had it my way I just wouldn’t have sex at all, but the system I now have means I’m often eking it out to every three weeks. Using sex as a means of getting what I want doesn’t feel good, but when I withhold it from him and use it as a reward for helping me, I at least get the assistance I need. It’s not that we have a bad relationship per se but despite my warnings that he needs to step up I don’t get any support in parenting our children or in maintaining the home. This resentment has led me to using sex as somewhat of a bargaining chip and a way to hold power over him in the only way I know how. Now we have two children and I’m just not interested in sex at all, partly because I’m a lot less attracted to my partner after all these years together, but mainly because I have begun to resent him. ![]() In the beginning we had sex every time we saw each other, and then about every other day when we started living together in year five of our relationship. The importance of sex has changed dramatically over the 13 years I’ve been with my now fiancé.
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